Elyse Watches The Bachelorette–S20 E3: C’mon Barbie, Let’s Go Party

Her Ladyship, The Duchess of Smackington, apologizes for the delay in this Bachelorette post, but her summer diary is quite full.

First, she has to place a hex on all the assholes who continue to set off fireworks after the Fourth of July.

Also, some of our neighbors has been having scandalously public squabbles in their front yard and she must observe this to determine which of the marital parties is to blame.

Both. It’s probably  both.

Finally there are many birds who feel bold enough to sit in the tree outside HER window, and they must scolded appropriately.

Anyway, she’s finally ready to recap.

We start off with Charity telling the dudes they’re going to Oceanside, CA and Brayden is riding with her in a helicopter.

The other dudes aren’t impressed because they think he’s an arrogant dingus.

Pudding: He IS an arrogant dingus.

The rest of the guys take a bus, and Xavier is knitting! They let him bring his knitting! We only get a second of him doing it, but he’s working on something largeish with a brown chunky weight yarn.

Charity and Brayden land in Petco Park in San Diego.

Pudding: Apparently some sort of “sports” takes place here.

They get custom jerseys and play catch.

During their date, Brayden tells her that he struggles with this “experience being too much for him.”

Charity tells the camera if he can’t figure it out, she’s going to have to send him home.

During the dinner they aren’t allowed to eat he tells her that he was cheated on in the past and it’s still traumatic for him.

“When I see you walk through the door with other guys it hurts,” he says. “I get in my head and my spiral.”

He tells her she’s worth trying for. She gives him the date rose, even though we all know this is going to implode with male jealousy.

The next day the group date is Barbie themed. Former Bachelorette JoJo and her partner, Jordan, are helping host the date. They given have a recorded message from Simu Liu.

I…I expected more from you Simu.

The guys have to dress like Kens. They also have to write Charity a song to the tune of “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun.”

Caleb B dresses as cowboy Ken and says he’s going to be cracking his whip…while holding up a lasso.

Dumbass.

The guys perform for her. It’s not great. None of them can sing.

Pudding: By not great, she means she took an Excedrin Migraine.

John is Birthday Suit Ken and wears a flesh colored body suit and blond plastic hair. It’s weird.

Then Caleb B, who can’t tell the difference between a whip and lasso, gets up and croons. He can kinda sing, but still… not impressed.

Sean wins the competition and gets to go for a sunset walk on the beach with Charity. They make out.

During the cocktail portion of the date, Sean takes time with Charity for more making out and the guys claim he’s being selfish because he already got his sunset walk with her.

The date rose goes to Dotun.

The next one-on-one date goes to Warwick. The other guys reflect on the fact that he’s very quiet and they know little about him.

They go to Belmont Park and go on some of the rides…while wearing formal wear.

Warwick is very quiet and it starts getting awkward.

He lets her scoop her own ice cream instead of scooping it for her like a gentleman.

Pudding: THE AUDACITY.

Warwick thinks he’s connecting with Charity and then says, “Amusement parks make me tired.”

Dude is like sedated.

She asks him about his past relationships and gets a one sentence answer that’s mostly “um” and “yeah.”

MY LORD.

“I’m like…I’m always somewhat reluctant to get into relationships,” he says. “It’s something I don’t really have experience in.”

WHY ARE YOU HERE, DUDE?

Charity sends him home. I don’t know if it even registers with him, to be honest.

THEN HE LITERALLY FALLS ASLEEP IN THE LIMO HOME.

Jesus, did he accidentally take an Ambien before this?

Back at their hotel, Brayden says, “I don’t know if I can get engaged after her dating twenty other dudes. I can definitely date her after this.”

AGAIN WHY ARE YOU ON THIS SHOW?

Also I am entirely distracted by the earrings Brayden is wearing to the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party.

During a moment alone with Charity, Xavier gives her a hand-knitted item. It’s either a lap blanket or a wrap, we only see it for a second, done in a chunky brown yarn is neon rainbow speckles.

He says he’s never given anyone a knitted gift before.

So then Aaron B tells her about Brayden’s comment about not wanting to be with someone who has dated twenty of his friends.

Charity says, “I don’t have time to deal with foolishness.”

Aaron B admits to Brayden what he told Charity. Brayden is pissed off.

“Why the hell are you here? You knew you weren’t about to be the only man here,” Charity says. “He has a fucking rose on his chest, and I will rip that shit off.”

YES!

So Charity asks to talk to Brayden. He has some verbal diarrhea about their connection and Charity walks away to think.

Then Jesse appears and says they’re going to the rose ceremony early.

She tells the guys that if they accept the rose she offers them, they’re agreeing that they’re in this for an engagement.

She sends home Adrian, Aaron, and James. She lets Brayden stay. Boo!

And that’s where we end. Are you watching?